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The left. And the right.

It's two days before the surgery. My shoulders hurt more than usual but it could all be work related. Nothing like being on deadline to take your mind off thoughts of cancer and surgeries. Seriously. My therapist last week pointed out that my brain was clearly in overdrive, so much so that she could see it spinning around all the way from across the room. Earlier this year I learned how my left brain tends to take over my body as a mad wedding planner. It's amazing: always thinking, rationalizing, analyzing, thinking strategy, plans of attack, exit strategies.... the whole deal. And apparently the right brain is a bit suffocated. All I want to say is: "Dude, wake up! fight for your turn! I have no time to make special accommodations for you. If you don't speak up, don't blame me. I just live here." • As you can imagine, lately I have been a bit exhausted. It's hard to figure out how to take what's happening to my body and what's coming. As far as I understand, cervical dysplasia is quite common. Several of the women I know have had it and have had the same, or a similar procedure, done. (By the way, I have to note that in my last blog I incorrectly named the procedure. The correct name is LEEP, for loop electrosurgical excision procedure.) On the other hand, the beheading of the ovary is not as common, it seems. I was reading some women get emotional distress after having this done. It's interesting how you get attached to your organs, isn't it? What bugs me the most about a lot of these issues is that the common practice is to just take the parts out. But then you are on your own when it comes to deal with all the consequences for the rest of your life. Particularly with the female reproductive organs. The feel I get from the doctors is: "You are alive. You don't have cancer. Just put up with whatever happens afterwards." Is it just me or there's something wrong with that picture? Why are we always told to just deal with it? And why do we DO that? As I told my other oncologist, the medical community doesn't seem to be extremely helpful to women dealing with after-the-excision type of issues. Most women I know have found help, relief or new ideas on how to best deal with things from other women, not their doctors. It seems like you have to acquire your own internet medical degree in order to take care of yourself. Otherwise you are on your own. It's pretty scary. • So, here I am, trying to figure out the best way to say goodbye to my loyal right ovary. "I really didn't want to do this, but the doctor insists..." "Look at it this way: no more bleeding!" or "Well, it's not like I could afford to get pregnant now!" I am really trying not to think about what will happen and what could happen, but, like I said, the left brain has taken over. God save the right.

Detour ahead

A few days back I was thinking I needed to update my blog, and I remember thinking that I really didn't have much to add keeping in line with the original theme. So, I started thinking possible ways to re-route, if you will, my blog. Well, today I had an appointment with the gynecologist who would be monitoring me in regards of the effects of Tamoxifen in other parts of my body. As it turns out, it seems I have pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. So the theme stands, unfortunately. • The shock of the news was not a new feeling. It seemed all too familiar, yet I still didn't know what to think. It's interesting how your mind works in situations like these. My brain was defiant: "This is not going to get me. Been here, done that. Cancer is not going to get the best out of me." Yet my body was terrified. "Now, what?" The doctor described the procedure (which is at the hospital but out patient) as coring an apple. "Nice thought," I thought. The good news is that if the margins are clear, I am okay. Sounds familiar? I started to think my body was playing a nasty joke on me. But I am just not in the mood for jokes. Now, I feel like I felt several weeks ago: confused and tired. Very tired. I am still exhausted from the last ordeal and I really don't have much energy to face anything like this, but, I have no choice. I will have to. So, detour ahead.

Anticipation

Tomorrow is my birthday. Not a milestone in the number, but definitely one that feels different. It's hard not to think about all those sayings asking you to enjoy the present day because you don't know what you'll have tomorrow. I never thought to be on this road. About four or so years ago a few friends were eating dinner at my house. When the conversation turned about breast cancer, one of them said: "What the statistics say, is that one of us (we were eight) will have breast cancer." I remember wondering who would that be. So, I got the short stick, and here I am. First thing on birthday morning I go to see the surgeon so he can take some sutures off. My breasts are much more comfortable with the implants than they were with the expanders, but the pain hasn't disappeared. I really try not to think about it as much, but it's really tiresome to every day, every hour, every minute, every night, feel the stinking pain. Of course it is not as bad as it was, but it is. At least the rest of my body has decided to move on and pretends the pain isn't there. My head is clear and yesterday I was able to ride my stationary bike for half hour at a strong pace. I am looking forward to PT again next week. Eighty percent of my body is so ready to move on! I am starting to crave perfect nights where I sleep the whole night and I am not sore moving myself around the bed. I don't know when that's going to happen. But I am ready. This birthday is a different one, for sure. But, then again, I am alive, celebrating.

Four days after surgery

A friend of mine who had the second surgery the same week I had my first, told me this one was a piece of cake...compared to the first one. And she was right. The experience at the hospital was different because last time I passed out before they even took me out of the waiting area. And I didn't wake up until I had been in my room for almost four hours! This time I even moved myself to the operating table and centered myself on it ("Grab the edges of the table and center your butt on the table," said the anesthesiologist). That was the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room. These experiences are a bit frightening, and waking up after anesthesia is just weird. But, in the end, surgery went well. And after battling a little with my high blood pressure, they sent me home Friday around 1 pm or so. Now I have to wait two weeks before I can do light exercise with my arms (I hope typing is considered less than light exercise...) and when I see the surgeon this week I'll find out when can I drive again. The other thing that is interesting, is that the pain in my chest doesn't overwhelm me as much as it did the first time. Even though all day long I am in some kind of pain, the rest of my body feels healthy, and my head is clear. I think being familiar with the pain makes it easier to deal with it now. • My mom goes home tomorrow after being with me since April. This has been the longest she has been away from my dad and the grandchildren. It will be sad not having her around but I consider myself blessed to had been able to enjoy her company and care throughout this mess. There are still other surgeries to think about, but not for three more months at least. Right now I just hope the pain stays down so I can gain some sense of normalcy soon.

Claudia 2.0

The time is here. Thursday is the designated day for my next surgery, the one that will bring you Claudia 2.0. The journey to this date has been a little stressful because I didn't realize I had to schedule the surgery way in advance in order to hit the dates I wanted. But, how would I know. It's not like I do this all the time. So, instead of getting new boobs towards the end of August I get them at the beginning of September, just on time for my birthday. The whole scheduling of the surgery wouldn't be a big deal except I had to change my mom's plane ticket twice, and she is really about to have a nervous melt down. She is so ready to go back home. Taking care of a sick person is harder than anyone can imagine. But I venture to say BEING the sick person is even harder than expected. You continue to feel crummy and tired and upset, whereas the rest of the world has moved on. You are old news, dude. The second half of my recovery has been somewhat more difficult than the first part because of this. The medicine makes my body act and feel in strange ways at random times. One day I am full of energy and the next I can barely move my bones ache so much. The weirdness is sometimes amusing, too, like when my chest went through a few days of random spastic shakes. Have you ever had your leg wake you up at night when it shakes out of the blue? Like that, except this is daytime at the office and it is your chest jumping out of your body, like a bolt of electricity hit them. It's both quite annoying and fascinating. Human bodies are such beautiful, complex machines. I remain amazed to the fact that I have two "dead" spots on my sides, where the lateral dorsi muscle was repositioned, that despite the fact I have very little sensation there, they ache and burn and hurt. How can something you don't feel, hurt? • Today I was listening on NPR's Fresh Air an interview with two young women who had cancer. One of them, Kairol Rosenthal, had a blog entry that really resonated with me. She asked if people (cancer people) liked to be called strong. She says: "I’ve surmounted these challenges not because I’m strong, but because the alternative means dying." She also quotes a woman she interviewed for her book, Everything Changes, who said: “The last thing I want is people cheering me on because I had a disease that I didn’t want, was miserable getting through, and wish I never had. That should not be my moment of fame.” In the last four months I've had many thoughts about this. You feel like you do what you have to do, just because it is the ONLY thing you can do. And when you compare your illness with other people you meet, you realize you are a wimp that barely went through anything worth mentioning. It's hard to feel like a superhero. Yet every day, every morning, every night, you battle the aches, the stiffness, the pain, the tiredness of being tired. The fact is your life changed and now you have to shift with it. There are no other options. I look at my breasts, shaped by two half-inflated bags inside me, watching how the skin has expanded to make room for such foreign objects. What was mine is not there anymore, but my skin did what it had to do: it gave me room for yet two other foreign objects that will replace my own. I am not strong, but I will move on.

The world we live in.

The last few days have been interesting. Two days in a row I had appointments with two oncologists. I had concerns on regards of the effect Tamoxifen (the hormone therapy drug designed to decrease my chances of having the cancer comeback) would have in other parts of my body. The first doctor was a well known gyno/oncologist doctor in town, who, by some accounts, is the best in town. I don't even know how to describe the interview with him. It was the end of the day, he probably was tired, but he had a completed disregard for my concerns and my emotions or worries. His approach was simple and pragmatic. Do you want to be dead or alive? What if you have hot flashes, vaginal dryness, urinary track infections - and at worst, fibroids in the uterus bigger than a 4-month fetus or uterine cancer? Put up with it! (his words). Our goal is to prevent the cancer to come back, so, what if you have to deal with this? • I knew going in that my choices were almost non existent, but I certainly didn't think he could be so dismissive. At one point, when he said the side effects of the drug weren't that bad, I said: "not according to some women I've talked to!" to which he replied that maybe he was being a little insensitive because he wasn't a woman! Just a little? I thought. • The other oncologist didn't have better alternatives for me, but he was at least kind and empathetic. He was willing to look into whatever options I was bringing to the table and to not dismiss my worries as plain stupidity (How could I be worried about hot flashes and vaginal dryness when I could be cured from cancer?!) • But what is really troublesome is not just that I went through this, because my case is possibly one of the best-case scenarios withing the worst (getting cancer), but that other women who have to experience more suffering in order to be cured are dealing with insensitive doctors like this one. Does it really have to be this way? Can't they really understand that you are full of worries, fears, anxiety, and that you're just trying to cope in the best way you can? • And so you realize that this is a journey in which you walk alone on the road, sometimes accompanied, sometimes not. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it's hot, sometimes is pleasant — very much like Forrest Gump when he jogged across the country! Some people stay with you alongside all the time, while some others dropout and go do something else. But you keep on running, because that is all you can do.

Now what?

As time goes by it's harder to write about my cancer battle. The most traumatic experiences seem so long ago (it's been a month since the surgery, almost to the day) that what happens now just doesn't seem blog worthy. • Every day is a new pain, every day has a different challenge to overcome. I wish I didn't have such low tolerance to pain, mainly so I could stop taking pills. • Pain is such an interesting thing. It pokes, pinches, grabs, suffocates, annoys... Waking up with a tight chest and a stiff back is tiresome. It takes me all morning to have a sense of owning my own body. Some days I am not even sure I own my mind, either. And on the days when I get "filled," I can barely move around without pain. When parts of your body have been moved around or taken out, the brain seems to not know what to do. The doctor told me I needed to remember my body was confused, and that as a result my brain was sending me messages that didn't make sense. This makes sense, but there's nothing I can do to help my brain, and that makes things more difficult. • It's amazing how our bodies work to protect themselves and to make everything function the way it should. It's amazing too, how one's mind has to work to help the body figure out a plan B. So, no, that muscle is not there anymore, can we use this other one in place? So, yes, this muscle shouldn't be there, but, can we please make some room and make it look like it does? • And I thought I could have time to rest...

This blogger sucks

I had never had a surgery of this magnitude and now I realize how naive I was thinking I would have all the time in the world to be online (or watch movies, read books and magazines, clean my office desk, etc...) But, here I am, trying to be hipper than what I really am! :) The best news since last week is that my oncologist cleared me from doing chemotherapy. We were SO happy and relieved! Tim and I later shared with each other that in our heads we had decided we weren't doing chemo unless the doctor gave us a reason the size of the world (dying would have been one), but he didn't. The Oncotype dx test done in my tumor revealed I had 7% changes of recurrence, so, based on my complete numbers and the data available, the cancer doctors in charge of making these recommendations were comfortable allowing me to do only hormone therapy. Which, it means I will take a pill for five years and I have secondary effects such as cancer of the uterus, but, nothing major. Ha! So, as soon as I get my batteries charged, I will be doing research on Tomoxifen and related drug friends, to see what alternatives I have, if any. • On the other hand, my progress has been steady and good. All doctors were impressed with my scar healing ability and the fact I had almost no bruising at all. The drains were taken out last Monday and, although I was prepared for unbearable pain when they yanked the tubes off my sides, I felt absolutely nothing. It was like a dream. The nurse had the hands of God handling my body. Amazing. Then yesterday my masage therapist was able to help me release my shoulders and I felt so good last night I almost couldn't believe it. This morning I woke up with a huge headache, but it's starting to clear. I am always surprised I could have a headache or any other pain taking the drugs I am taking, but, I guess it truly is possible! • The pain thing has been interesting. My chest doesn't feel as tight as before, but those of you who had had surgery understand the sharp pains of healing. It's like being a voodoo doll...• Some of my friends are ready for me to shed my homeless outfits (wearing Tim's flannel shirts) and get some nice dresses. I, on the other hand, am happy I can squeeze my arms into my own t-shirts! But I will oblige and will try to dress a little nicer. At least I am not carrying around two bags with tubes by my sides anymore! • So, life goes on. I feel blessed to have landed in the hands of very good doctors and to have such a great family and friends. What else can one need in times like these?

Week two

It's been now a week and 4 days since the surgery. I can't quite say I feel fantastic, but I guess I feel considerably well given what I went through. The whole thing is almost like a bad dream sometimes. For most parts I have been able to sleep at night in between pills and today I am starting to reduce the amount of pain medicine to see if I can handle the discomfort without actually being in pain. Last Wednesday most of the stitches came off (the knots, I guess, since the rest will just be absorbed by my body). My mom didn't quite approve the stitching pattern, she thought they seemed uneven and random! Leave it to a perfectionist mom to say such things.... My two drains are doing well, and I hope they'll be able to take them off next week. Although I am REALLY NOT looking forward to having them yanked out like weeds from my sides...(ay ay ay!) Last week a friend took my mom and I to a nearby park and I walked for a bit there. We are going there today again. I usually feel fine until I don't. Funny how that happens, uh? So then I have to sit down and breathe. You always read about how being diagnosed with cancer changes one's life. I can't say I have reached that corner, but one thing I can say: It has allowed me to enjoy my husband's, my mother's and my kids' attention much more. But not so in a self-centered manner, rather, in a way that makes me more thankful to have a mother and a husband and kids near me. It makes me want to tell everyone how much each of us should enjoy the company of the people who love us and not take them for granted. I have also been flattered by having so many people being kind to me and my family. We sometimes don't realize how many lives we touch by what we say and do every day. We all have such power to make others feel better or happy! Thank you to all of you who have been there for us. Thank you for the words you've said and sent, thank you for the flowers and the food, thank you for just checking up on me. You all make this journey a bit less difficult. Thank you!

S+4 –Homecoming by SM

Our fourth day in the hospital started very well with a long walk and doing breathing exercises. Then, Claudia had a little set back; pain is a mysterious creature. Just when you think you’re done, it pops up. After some bed rest and a little medication assistance, Claudia was up and at it again. She took her first post-surgery shower and felt marvelous. What a sense of rejuvenation comes from a shower. Surgical areas looked fine. Late in the afternoon, after a bit more of a rest, Dr Dahan (a wonderful doctor) met with us, reviewed all the charts, gave Claudia another exam, then ok’d her release. Hurray! No more hospital cots for me; Claudia was excited too. So, we packed our belongings quite an ordeal and a near impossible task without the assistance of our great friends and family (Bob, Connie, Sandra, mama Ortega). One small note here, Hummer’s are not good pickup vehicles for those being discharged from the hospital. Thank goodness for Bob’s sedan, easy in and easy out.

We finally arrived home about 5pm last night. After a couple of trips picking up medicines (SM only) and short dinner, we relaxed the evening away and turned in early. The turning in process involved multiple iterations and configurations of pillows, blankets, and assorted support paraphernalia. But, we finally settled into an arrangement and turned off the lights. A good night’s sleep! We still had some late night and early morning medication episodes to attend too, but much better than the hospital routine.

Claudia’s continued resting today and improves by the moment. Whistles and text messages allow for constant attention when she’s retired to the bedroom as getting up and moving around are still a bit of an ordeal. This too will pass in time.
I tried for more pictures and video, but unfortunately none of my efforts turned out very well. Claudia says she may be up on-line by tomorrow and taking care of her updates directly. God Bless to all for your kind thoughts and support as we navigate through these trying times.

S+3 - Great Progress Continues by SM

No worries on the missed report. Yesterday was a mixture of tough times and good news. Friday started with a small fever and rounds of pain on the right side surgical site. Towards the end of the day, both issues had been resolved. It just took some time to correct. Claudia still managed to get up more and increased her walking too. She’s a real fighter – in a hospital gown kind of way. The doctor continues to be pleased with her progress despite the early day’s events which we saw as a bit of a set back. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on the point-of-view, he explained that it’s simply part of the healing process and the body’s reaction to the recent surgery. Comforting to know yes – helpful in dealing with the pain not so much (Claudia’s view).

Late yesterday afternoon, we called the surgeon’s office for the final pathology report. GREAT NEWS – confirmed no cancerous spread to the sentinel lymph nodes! The rest of the report and efficacy of any chemotherapy will be determined after the follow appointments with the surgeon and oncologist. We celebrated last night – picnic in the room and wine (for Tim). Then, we settled down to watch NCIS episodes on our iPod until late in the evening.
Today we’re focused on preparing to leave the hospital, probably in the late afternoon. So, next update will be early evening. Again thank you all for the thoughts and prayers for Claudia.

S Day +2 Update by Soul Mate

Day 2+ - the story of continuing progress to full recovery. It has been a day of small mile-stones. Most of the tubes are out, mobility is returning, and spirits remain high. The plastic surgeon, aka Dr Dahan, gives Claudia high marks for her post-op recovery and has helped in the continuing pain management regiment. All the little normal movements we take for granted now come with a cost. It’s an old cliché – no pain, no gain. She says she knows exactly what that cartoon character that has had an anvil dropped on chest feels like. Nonetheless, Claudia persists in getting back up on her feet and striving to be better than she was before. It’ll be a while, but my bias personal opinion predicts she’ll make that goal.

Again, I want to thank everyone for their support. Life becomes even more important when you realize at times like these the great people who have become part of your life.

First Full Day of Recovery by Soul Mate

Time for another update. I know the anticipation and hope this descriptive narrative meets at least some of those expectations. On the purely medical front, Claudia continues to improve. Yes, she can walk again, and made the long sojourn down the hallway (with the assistance of her soul mate of course). See the picture for photographic proof. We stopped looked out the window at the mountains and made the trip back without incident. All biological systems continue to get better, though we have no further professional opinions or statements to pass along. Pain management remains an evolving process with pain losing the battle; nonetheless, we keep our guard up against it reappearing – mostly Claudia’s job.

All the wonderful messages and flowers give Claudia so much happiness and lift her spirit continuously, making soul mate’s role so much easier - Thank You All.

Next update maybe video – if soul mate continues to improve on his multi-media skills. Good Night to All and God Bless.

Post Surgery Report by Tim

Last night Claudia underwent her surgery from approximately 5:30p to 11:15p, including post-op time. We got her settled into her room about mid-night. Both surgeons met with me after the surgery and explained that all went accordingly to plan without any difficulties or complications. The preliminary test last night on the Sentinel Lymph Nodes came back negative for any cancer spread. We have to wait though for the final pathology report (due by the end of the week) to know for sure about any cancerous spread. What, if any, chemotherapy treatment will be determined with the oncologist in a few weeks.

Claudia is resting now and will probably remain in the hospital until the weekend. She wants to thank everyone for all the love, kind thoughts, prayers and support shown to her. She is really quite overwhelmed by it all, but it gives her (and I) strength knowing what wonderful family and friends we are blessed to have.

There's no looking back

I spent the last weekend shopping, eating, cleaning house (rearranging house) and driving. The ride home is only 15 minutes, but I looked for paths where I could speed. Took the top down and cruised along. No looking back. Pump up the volume. Freedom! ~ My friends organized a party for me on Friday. Tim was asking if this was a boob wake, and I said it was a boob shower. Ha! I was surprised to receive gifts, its was like a birthday party! It was very sweet from my friends to do this somewhat unconventional party, but, it did the trick. We laughed and talked and drank wine! ~
Surgery is scheduled for 5 p.m. May 12, but I have to check in at noon for a 2:30 sentinel node injection. Not looking forward to that, at all. At least I can have breakfast before 8! Small pleasures... ~ I am surprised I am not much more anxious than what I am, but then again, I am an expert at hiding such feelings. Me? stressed out? nah! Ok. Maybe a little. ~ The surgery will last about 3 hours. Main surgeon takes breasts out, plastic surgeon cuts Latissimus Dorsi muscle (in the picture) and wraps it around the expanders (funky ballons in picture) that replace of my old, not so good boobs (although I still love them). They wrap me all up and send me to my room, all in about 3 hours. Plus one hour of me coming to it, that will be close to 10 or 11 p.m. getting into the room and bed. I wonder if some tequila would be out of the question? ~ Anybody can call and come see me, but good luck getting a coherent sentence out of me. All I say is don't make fun of me and don't write on my face with a sharpie (or anything else, for that matter). Or else. After that I should stay in the hospital for 2 or 3 nights, hopefully connected to the morphine drip. ~ Going home will be another story.

Staying in bed

Taking time off to relax is always interesting. You find yourself in a beautiful place and all you can think of is to run around exploring. The thought of just stay in bed all day is appealing and disgusting at the same time! Stay in bed and waste my time here, in this beautiful place? How can anybody do that? Welcome to everyday decisions. We can never be sure we're making the right one, but we have to be confident so we can deal with the consequences. And if you think about something too much, every decision seems correct, and it becomes more and more difficult to decide. Life is nothing but a set of multiple options. The end game being learning the most, experiencing the most, improving the most. It's about who we are and how we deal with things coming our way. Even when we rather not learn, experience or improve. Even when we'd rather stay in bed...

I don't have cancer, I am getting new boobs!

This last month has been...ah..amazing? incredible? I am not sure what word to use to describe it. It has been long and short, sweet and sad. I have gone through so many emotions you'd think I had to review all human kind's history.

However, I have found a renewed hope in us, human beings. I've discovered that the kindest word, the most sincere empathy comes sometimes from someone who is not necessarily close to you. Someone who you just barely know. I've realized how much impact we have in each others' lives. If we could only live in a consistent awareness of this fact!

But, I have also found out, we live our lives at our own pace. And no one moves faster or slower than what it should. Except, maybe, when we enter an emergency zone.

My surgery date is set for May 12 at Renown South Meadows. The doctors guess I will be there for 2 or 3 nights, depending on how my body takes the surgery. I am not looking forward to it but I decided to think I am just getting new boobs. So, got faulty ones? out with them! get better models.

You are welcome to stop by, but I can't guarantee I will be coherent at any time. :)
Just don't ask me complicated questions and don't make fun of me. It will probably be hard to laugh...

Nothing to it

So, I survived having a reaction to the "you-will-not -feel-anything" radioactive shot last Tuesday. Nasty headache compounded by a very detached technician who felt unnecessary to tell me I really didn't have to be stiff for a whole hour while she did the bone scan. The thought of having to be deal with this every time I go into another new experience makes me mad. It's not like I don't have anything else to think about, you know?

But, like I said, I survived. Yoohoo! Now it's back to reading a few hundred pages on my new favorite topic. MRI scheduled next week. Must make decision the following week. It's interesting to see how two options have a myriad of sub-options attached to it — way too many. You don't even want to know (but this even includes switching sides on the bed with my husband...sure! why not, let's change everything! I was bored with it the way it was! Good grief.

Glancing at the future

Tonight a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers who has battled with breast cancer. Last week I also met with another woman who had her breast removed after finding a lump in one of them. I have another name on the kitchen counter from a friend who has friend experiencing the same thing. These are beautiful, young women looking so at peace with themselves and the world around them. I feel a series of mixed feelings. I am anxious to be done with this and move on with my life, yet all seems so far away and so confusing. I am scared and at the same time I am not. I am looking at some cute hats made to cover chemo heads and it's like — why am I doing this? These hats are cute! So messed up! The future is scrambled, waiting for a password.

The new me

Almost two weeks ago a tumor became obvious in my last breast. "Became obvious" as a euphemism for "shit, what is this?!"

Then last Thursday the doctor called with the biopsy results. Yes, it is cancer, unfortunately, but, he said, curable. It's funny, for a week my mind was between numb and confused. I have been practically diagnosed with a chronic disease, but the doctor says it's curable. How surreal.

You think about so many things. You worry about so many things. The thought of dying of this disease has, however, not been one of those worries. The torturous road to "curing" it, however, has.

Now, my brain is trying to figure out what to do next. I am doing more tests. But tests are tricky: try scanning your whole body and see if something else comes up...I dread them as much as I want them. The more I read, the more anxious I get, yet I can't stop. And to make things worse, I am not alone!!! I mean, I am not complaining about my wonderful friends who have showered me with love and support, but about the many other women who are going through what I am going through. MANY of them. Too many, if you ask me. The more I talk about it the more I know about the moms, sisters, cousins, neighbors, friends, who are going through this right now. How long have we been doing cancer research? Decades, you say? Unbelievable.

And now, it's my turn.

Part of me is insanely scared and part of me is insanely determined. I am yet to find out who I am. And I have a feeling I'll need a lot of help to do that.