Just when I thought it was all over...

A couple of weeks back I had a follow-up appointment with my plastic surgeon. I wanted to know if I was all done with this business of reconstruction. I mentioned I had noticed how the implants sometimes did ripple. This is a common thing to happen -- hard to avoid no matter how good your surgeon is. The silicon and the forces of gravity conspire against you. People can see the rippling when you wear a low-cut dress or a bathing suit, and my attitude was: "I had breast cancer. Too bad, so sad, if people think it's weird." But, when the surgeon told me he could do the procedure in the office and I realized I had met my deductible, I gave it a thought. I knew this was the only time I would actually consider doing this. I just wanted to be done. Leave it all behind. But, here I was, contemplating another surgery. • I decided to do it. If I could have it all "look" normal, I would. Why not. I showed up bright and early at the doctor's office. To tell you the truth, I didn't have time to stress out about this. I scheduled from one day to another and didn't give myself time to fret or agonize over it. When the doctor started injecting the anesthetic was when I started wondering: "What the heck am I doing?" The long story short, the whole thing was surreal. There I was, being performed on, wide awake and with my shoes on. At some point I told the doctor I felt like a CSI character playing a cadaver being autopsied! He laughed, even though he thought it was a bit morbid. But it was true. Was this really happening? The doctor cut two slivers of skin across each of my breasts. There was blood and he was masterly putting me back together. A friend asked me if I didn't pass out. But I truly wasn't feeling anything. It was like having an out of body experience! • However, that afternoon, when it was time to clean the wounds and apply antibiotic, as my husband cleaned and applied, I turned around and faced myself in the mirror. Then I almost passed out. For a couple of long minutes the last two and half years came rushing to my head. I did have breast cancer. My body was assaulted. My mind was challenged and tested. I thought it was all behind, but no. Here it was all in my head again. Rushing in every cell in my blood to my head. • I didn't pass out, and my husband just held me there. Both feeling the pain we had experienced and had thought was gone. But we, I, survived. The next day we went to California for our scheduled soccer game trip. By then, my brain had decided we weren't going to worry about it. The last two years were over. We were done. That's it. Clean this mess and pack your bags. We are moving. Tomorrow is another day.