I don't have cancer, I am getting new boobs!

This last month has been...ah..amazing? incredible? I am not sure what word to use to describe it. It has been long and short, sweet and sad. I have gone through so many emotions you'd think I had to review all human kind's history.

However, I have found a renewed hope in us, human beings. I've discovered that the kindest word, the most sincere empathy comes sometimes from someone who is not necessarily close to you. Someone who you just barely know. I've realized how much impact we have in each others' lives. If we could only live in a consistent awareness of this fact!

But, I have also found out, we live our lives at our own pace. And no one moves faster or slower than what it should. Except, maybe, when we enter an emergency zone.

My surgery date is set for May 12 at Renown South Meadows. The doctors guess I will be there for 2 or 3 nights, depending on how my body takes the surgery. I am not looking forward to it but I decided to think I am just getting new boobs. So, got faulty ones? out with them! get better models.

You are welcome to stop by, but I can't guarantee I will be coherent at any time. :)
Just don't ask me complicated questions and don't make fun of me. It will probably be hard to laugh...

Nothing to it

So, I survived having a reaction to the "you-will-not -feel-anything" radioactive shot last Tuesday. Nasty headache compounded by a very detached technician who felt unnecessary to tell me I really didn't have to be stiff for a whole hour while she did the bone scan. The thought of having to be deal with this every time I go into another new experience makes me mad. It's not like I don't have anything else to think about, you know?

But, like I said, I survived. Yoohoo! Now it's back to reading a few hundred pages on my new favorite topic. MRI scheduled next week. Must make decision the following week. It's interesting to see how two options have a myriad of sub-options attached to it — way too many. You don't even want to know (but this even includes switching sides on the bed with my husband...sure! why not, let's change everything! I was bored with it the way it was! Good grief.

Glancing at the future

Tonight a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers who has battled with breast cancer. Last week I also met with another woman who had her breast removed after finding a lump in one of them. I have another name on the kitchen counter from a friend who has friend experiencing the same thing. These are beautiful, young women looking so at peace with themselves and the world around them. I feel a series of mixed feelings. I am anxious to be done with this and move on with my life, yet all seems so far away and so confusing. I am scared and at the same time I am not. I am looking at some cute hats made to cover chemo heads and it's like — why am I doing this? These hats are cute! So messed up! The future is scrambled, waiting for a password.

The new me

Almost two weeks ago a tumor became obvious in my last breast. "Became obvious" as a euphemism for "shit, what is this?!"

Then last Thursday the doctor called with the biopsy results. Yes, it is cancer, unfortunately, but, he said, curable. It's funny, for a week my mind was between numb and confused. I have been practically diagnosed with a chronic disease, but the doctor says it's curable. How surreal.

You think about so many things. You worry about so many things. The thought of dying of this disease has, however, not been one of those worries. The torturous road to "curing" it, however, has.

Now, my brain is trying to figure out what to do next. I am doing more tests. But tests are tricky: try scanning your whole body and see if something else comes up...I dread them as much as I want them. The more I read, the more anxious I get, yet I can't stop. And to make things worse, I am not alone!!! I mean, I am not complaining about my wonderful friends who have showered me with love and support, but about the many other women who are going through what I am going through. MANY of them. Too many, if you ask me. The more I talk about it the more I know about the moms, sisters, cousins, neighbors, friends, who are going through this right now. How long have we been doing cancer research? Decades, you say? Unbelievable.

And now, it's my turn.

Part of me is insanely scared and part of me is insanely determined. I am yet to find out who I am. And I have a feeling I'll need a lot of help to do that.