Now what?

As time goes by it's harder to write about my cancer battle. The most traumatic experiences seem so long ago (it's been a month since the surgery, almost to the day) that what happens now just doesn't seem blog worthy. • Every day is a new pain, every day has a different challenge to overcome. I wish I didn't have such low tolerance to pain, mainly so I could stop taking pills. • Pain is such an interesting thing. It pokes, pinches, grabs, suffocates, annoys... Waking up with a tight chest and a stiff back is tiresome. It takes me all morning to have a sense of owning my own body. Some days I am not even sure I own my mind, either. And on the days when I get "filled," I can barely move around without pain. When parts of your body have been moved around or taken out, the brain seems to not know what to do. The doctor told me I needed to remember my body was confused, and that as a result my brain was sending me messages that didn't make sense. This makes sense, but there's nothing I can do to help my brain, and that makes things more difficult. • It's amazing how our bodies work to protect themselves and to make everything function the way it should. It's amazing too, how one's mind has to work to help the body figure out a plan B. So, no, that muscle is not there anymore, can we use this other one in place? So, yes, this muscle shouldn't be there, but, can we please make some room and make it look like it does? • And I thought I could have time to rest...