Year One

Today a year ago it was confirmed that I had a cancerous tumor in my left breast. It is hard to believe it has been a year already. In a way, 2009 moved very slowly. All I remember is being on a daze for most parts. The anguish of making the decision to have a double mastectomy and the feeling of loss was overwhelming. The process of reconstruction has been long and painful. At the end of January I had the last full-blown surgery and, even thought this was supposed to be the easiest surgery of all, I found it harder to bounce back. It could've been the cumulative effect of surgeries, anesthesia and all that, but it seemed like both my body and my mind were simply exhausted. The lack of sleep caused by anxiety or medications (or both) rendered me even more vulnerable. I couldn't cope with the minimum amount of pain. Because, yes, there was new and more pain. In an effort to smooth out some tissue bumps under my arms, I have now two scars about 5 inches long that run from my beautiful new breasts towards my back. Those scars, although progressing as they should, to me they are taking too long to heal and make it difficult to sleep comfortably. My back and my shoulders and my neck have weakened, and it all becomes a vicious circle. I am in pain so I don't exercise, and I don't exercise because I am in pain. I sometimes feel angry that I feel so weak. It takes all I have to bring me back to a place where I can face one day at a time and not feel distressed. And although sometimes not very graciously, I have learned to find strength from every corner of myself and my environment. I have found friends in the most unexpected places, and I have been blessed with love and support from all the people who surround me, my home, my workplace, the organizations my husband and I volunteer at, even from people I have never met. So, at the year one mark, I want to thank you all, family, friends, supporters, care givers, cheerleaders all, for being here for me through this difficult time. You have given me the support to keep going. • I won't be diagnosed cancer free until four more years from now, and I know there will be other rough patches on the road. But for right now, I am hopeful and grateful.