Pumping Iron

So, this week I went to the gym for the first time since the surgeries. Big deal, you'd say, but really, it was a milestone. Since my latissimus dorsi muscles were repositioned, I had realized that now my chest was part of many movements involving my arms. I knew that, but somehow the weight exercises made me feel strange and were a clear reminder of how my body is no longer what it used to be. How could I explain this? Imagine that every time you do a pull or a push with your arms, a wide, tight elastic band around your chest would contract and release with each movement. Not only was I wondering, "Hm, should I even be doing this exercise?" but I was also hoping nobody noticed my chest pumping iron! You have no idea how weird this is. Before my surgery, one of the assistants at the surgeons office, who is also a breast cancer survivor, showed me how she could make her breast move on command (remember, now there is a muscle attached to the breast). We all laughed about it and made jokes, but now that I can do it myself, well, it's funny in a not so funny way. It's not like I can go around showing everybody my new trick, right? • Stuff like this still catches me off guard. Every time I think I am moving on with having had breast cancer something pops (no pun intended) to remind me that, if I am moving on, I am taking this along. No leaving behind, no forgetting about it. It's more like learning to live WITH it and learning to deal with all its byproducts. Sometimes I am okay with it, sometimes I am not. But, for the time being, I will continue going to the gym — who knows what other tricks I may learn!