Glancing at the future

Tonight a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers who has battled with breast cancer. Last week I also met with another woman who had her breast removed after finding a lump in one of them. I have another name on the kitchen counter from a friend who has friend experiencing the same thing. These are beautiful, young women looking so at peace with themselves and the world around them. I feel a series of mixed feelings. I am anxious to be done with this and move on with my life, yet all seems so far away and so confusing. I am scared and at the same time I am not. I am looking at some cute hats made to cover chemo heads and it's like — why am I doing this? These hats are cute! So messed up! The future is scrambled, waiting for a password.